thankfully, I didn't have to grow up without her

Not many people get to observe a reburial in their lifetime. This year has been a fateful one.

I wondered if I ever have to experience this kind of loss so personal and how I would deal with the grief and how I would react. It must have been extremely heart-breaking and soul-wrenching, to say the least.

What is even worse is unsympathetic and self-righteous people throwing stones of nonsensical blasphemous suggestions at the already crippled. Call me grim or whatever you may, but it is history and unfortunately, also present and future.

A friend of mom's told me about the loss of her 17 year old daughter to full-blown SLE and how some indecent people questioned her if she had unrepented sin or curse which had caused the tragedy.

M
may divine flowers flourish, blossom and surround

Untitled

In one of my previous posts, I mentioned that I felt like I was living completely a nightmare or a bad dream but that isn't true - not at all times anyway.

If I think of it in terms of a graph, I see a plateau followed by a U-curve then a plateau again and it goes on. Occasionally, there'd interception of spikes.

The plateau would be when emotions are relatively stable, undisturbed, undistressed. Life, without his presence, feels like a dream. But sometimes when it does feel real, it's only because I feel as though he's only a travel away and I'm awaiting his return from a long business trip as we did before. The whole period of his illness is non-existent. The idea of death is surreal. These plateau experiences happen when there's activity, distraction or moderate contentment.

Then comes the dip, ever so often, with the U-curve where his illness and death are most vivid in my mind. Sometimes, I'd remember the times we spent together and not being able to relive that saddens me. These tearful dips come about in stillness, magnified in sadness, whenever a memory is sparked, in reticence or being idle - too often in the backseat of car rides. This is the nightmare.

The spikes are often gifts from social interactions with my closest friends and family who know just the right heart string to pluck. Sometimes it's unexpected gestures from unexpected people, sometimes it's from hearing or watching something uplifting and cheery like from a movie or song. Fortunate, I am, for these moments and I savour it with every might. As hard as I want to hold on to these moments, they are brief. I don't wish they were.

Is this what Grief and Loss feel like? I've spoken to family and close friends and they've expressed somewhat a similar experience - life in a state of a dream. If it is, where and when is the finishing line or does it carry on indefinitely but you somehow learn to cope better with the "U"s? Or do you simply become numb to the pain that it seems as though the pain has gone away?

M


Sent from Samsung Galaxy Note

Reticent

At the end of lunch today, an elder whom i've not met for possibly over 18 years, said to me, out of nowhere, (the conversation over lunch had covered everything but this) "Do not worry, God will provide, you will meet the man and you will know that it is him. It doesn't matter where you are in the world. God is preparing him too."

I just looked at him, nodded several times, and said "Mm yes.. Ok"

M

unfunny

this little word, contradiction, emerged in my mind today, and i dwelled on it. i hated the thoughts and emotions that unfolded with it. it was like dominos being set off in my mind, a train-thought of contradictions i could think of and detested - actions , words, demands, principles. oh! it was never ending, the heavy emotion grew and brewed as i fed the wildfire with more combustibles. infernal - it was! it got to a point where i even wished i was but contradiction, myself, so i could hurt instead of being hurt.

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!


that's enough.

M
no one is perfect. remember, always remember to prize the beauty (inner), not the beast. 

contagion

A smile is a wonderful thing. It makes you feel all warm and alive and in times of difficulty, it gets you by, even if it's just for a moment. That moment, is precious, too precious. 

What's even more incredible is being able to gift a smile to someone. 

The other day, I met this lady who had the most sour face and worried brows. This kept on until.. that one invaluable ring over the phone from her better half and wow, the transformation was striking. Her eyes sparkled and I could see the glow illuminating her face as she re-entered the room, smiling from ear to ear. She was completely changed! And this is why, love is so amazing, so precious. 

Her genuine smile even made me feel slightly lighter inside. 

M

i miss that 'honking' laugh