Fathers day

Fathers day is next week. This year, I can only celebrate this day with dad in my heart. I just saw the artwork I got us 3 siblings to do for one of the fathers day - we put our handprints on a black sheet of paper and signed little notes. I don't know about brother and sister, but my handprint hasn't changed at all, not in size or shape, yet, time has changed so much else. 

I miss his funny imitations of things, I miss his standard "Very good. Hahaha" replies whenever I've achieved or performed something, I miss his love and enthusiasm for food as I, I miss his lifting presence, I miss watching him walkabout with his hands behind his back "like a boss" wherever we go, I miss his reliability, I miss his ever-willingness, I miss his attentiveness, and I miss so much more I can't even begin to put into words. 

I wish you were here dad. You're the best fighter I'll ever know. 

M

Food

I remember getting dads favourite Hokkien mee for him whenever he was feeling a lack of appetite due to the chemo. He loved it. 

My heart dropped every time he only had two mouths-full of the food he was yearning for but couldnt bear to eat anymore as the delicious taste he had imagined or remembered it to be settled on his tongue only too bitterly. Must have been terribly disappointing for dad. 

"We haven't had hokkien mee in a long time"

I think the last time I had hokkien mee from ah wa was with dad. 

Wish he was here having it with me again. 

Every time I eat something new or delicious, or if someone makes some special dish for me, I never fail to think to myself, "If dad was here, he'd love to try this" or "If dad ate this, he'll enjoy it as much as I do". 

M

Every day that passes without a tear is a gift of life

depressed

M

Dad, I miss you.

We sang this song at dad's funeral.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
His mercies never come to an end,
They are new every morning
New every morning
Great is Your faithfulness, O Lord
Great is Your faithfulness

I wish, oh I wish with all my heart I could mean it. Where do I find that love? Where do I find the mercies? Show me the mercies. Open my eyes, Open the eyes of my heart, Open my mind to see the promises, Open them so I can understand and come to peace. Won't you cradle me, like you promised? You said I'd never be alone. People can let me down, but are you?