immaturity

I had a lovely day being a judge for the BB junior pancake cooking competition. During the judging period, it dawned upon me how much I've learned through merely 3 sessions of part-time work being a therapist for a child with autism - interaction with children (whether or not they have autism), psychology of children and people in general. Then I thought, these are things you only learn through experience and age and that is why older people are so wise. Then I thought of how much I must not know! (I normally do not think I know all that much but today I realised again, how much more I had to learn and these only will come with time).

Every time we judges tried their food, the children would look up at us intently and nervously with faces seeking approval, even if it was for the smallest gesture - a mini smile, a look of satisfaction on our faces, a "yum" etc. One incident which really tickled my heart was when the little girl looked at me with the look I had just described, I said "Well done!" and she sighed whole-heartedly in relief. And it didn't matter if we had just tasted raw batter, or if the pancake was hard and dry.. What mattered was that they put their entire heart and soul into the cooking session (Even if the pancake didn't taste fantastic, the ideas they came up with (ingredients, decor, menu description) were plenty creative and deserved good praises) and the smallest look of approval was going to encourage them to participate again and eventually become truly good at it. I'm not saying we should lie to them and conceal the truth. What I'm saying is, positive words and encouragement, especially highlighting good points, plays such an important role in supporting them. 

Children are very attentive and even though we think they aren't listening or paying any notice, more often than not, they listen very closely, they just do not give you a clue about it! They absorb things and learn so quickly just by observing - I think of young brains like sponges soaking up water. I've learned to be more careful about what I say in front of little kiddos, especially if it concerns the kids bad points. And again, this I only learned with age. 

Still, how much do I not know? 

I think about things in the past and have many regrets but how could I have done it differently when I did not know better? 

M 

We're only growing up, every day. We're immature, every day. 

remote control

I wonder...

I wonder what it will be like when I leave... Will they make the effort? Will they care enough? Will they fill the gaps?

I'm so torn between leaving and staying. Though its months from now, I can't help but worry and fret about What-Ifs. Yes, I've been told I think about A to Zs, high to lows, far lefts to rights. And I just admitted recently that its detrimental to myself. But, I can't bear to see G hurt and lonely. I think I know a fraction of what that feels like, its dreadful and I dare not think of that awful emotion haunting G. I can't stay here eternally or come to the rescue forever, but I can't stop feeling guilty and irresponsible for running away. I wish I had the remote in Click where I can just fast forward time just to have a sneak peek - to have the relief that things are going to be ok. But what if I found out that things were not ok?

Say,
what if I had that remote (before dad got ill) and for some reason (Gosh, some reason?! Who am I kidding, I have plenty reasons I might misuse that remote for - finding out if I ever get married, to whom, any kids, living where, working where, as what, oh.. graduation feels like forever away. Feels like I'll never get there) I decided to fast forward time (with the intention of rewinding again), only to find that my father was no longer in the pictures... What would I have felt? What would I have done? Could I have played God, then?

Okay, I'm just ranting on about a basket-full of nonsense now. I guess... I'm just upset.

M
was promised a forever


No such thing exists - no remote, no forever.

reading minds

i wish i could read a dog's mind.

little silky terrier here comes upstairs, knocks on my door (yes, she knocks, not scratches.. unusual dog), i let her in, she walks about the room, sits down and relaxes for about 2 mins max then heads to the door and starts staring at it, hinting at me to open it. i ignore her "request" and act like i didn't see it, hoping she'd decide to stay put. she knows im pretending to not know, so she starts knocking the door to signal me to open the door. i ignore her again. but the knocking gradually gets louder.

"BABY!!"

i open the door and i let her out.

3 minutes later, i kid you not, i hear her nails tapping on the wood panels on the ground, walking towards my room and she knocks on the door.. AGAIN. and the process continues 3 to 4 times.

what is going on in that mind of hers?!

M

stabbed

it felt like a knife being plunged into my guts and then the knife being twisted to further ruin my innards. yes, it did. not that i know much or anything at all about being stabbed, but that't what i would imagine it to feel like.

M

there are many characters, personalities and people with plenty quirks in this world, but i chose.. you. wouldve endlessly. 

better

feeling liberated and light despite the nasty dreams from the previous night.

its better. its better.

today was given an opportunity for a challenge. shall i take it on? i feel as though i really quite might. after all, i don't see why not! :) and i've never done anything like it before. itll be a big leap for me, and i think that's just what i need right now.

more time to contemplate and sit on it :)

bbbbbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. tralalalalala.

M
maybe in time, i'll be able to put all that was into a pretty little box, kept in my heart. in time.. 

every morning

The worst feeling is waking up to an emotion of dread when you remember again that.. it's over.

M
i see walls of black and white and grey

f.a.m.(i.l.y)

A mental video of dad on his death bed just popped into my head. It still brings plenty tears to my eyes. I suppose I can't expect myself not to, it has after all, only been slightly more than a month. In the mental video, I see dad with his BiPap (Bilevel Positive Airway Pressure), which covered half his face, on, singing hymns along with the rest of the people standing around him, with all his heart. My father, in his last few hours, whose oxygen saturation, I saw with my own eyes, plummeted to the 40s (the normal range is 95-100%) with the slightest decrease of oxygen supply or physical work, sang!

Gosh! Has it really been only slightly more than a month?! It feels like I have been living this bad bad dream forever. Again, it's hitting me hard in the head that only so little time has passed when I feel like I've been held alive for a very very long time. Yes, I said 'held' - so often I feel like I'm on autopilot and the movements and actions of my body are in fact, not mine, and I am merely a puppet on strings.

My father the Fighter
"He's the first patient I've ever seen on so much oxygen"

For dad, breathing was laborious. A few times recently, without realising while blowing-dry my hair, I positioned the hair dryer blowing directly in my face. And in those few seconds, breathing suddenly becomes very difficult and I feel an extremely heavy feeling pressing on my chest as the strong flow of wind enters my nose and mouth - then I think, this must haven been how dad felt, only ten times worse since he was already struggling for breath to begin with, whenever the BiPap was being fitted on to his face with the oxygen and air flow at full blast. When the BiPap was initially introduced to us, a number of times, dad had a panic attack, as he felt like he was being suffocated, during the fitting of the BiPap onto his face. Then I would have a panic attack as I watch his O2 sat plummeting and heart rate racing upwards. Only a few fittings later, did we learn how to titrate the O2 up gradually to minimise the distress. But if in those few seconds, I felt it so unbearable, with strong gushes of air being pushed into my lungs, how terrible must it have been for dad, having to keep it on 24/7 towards the end?!

His breathing was laborious... But he still sang out his love for God. Could I ever be alike?

Another memory just appeared in my mind - when brother bought food from VillageRoastDuck, Bangsar for us to eat. I had just finished feeding dad with sis at that time. Towards the end, feeding him was an extremely upsetting experience - sis and I would have to both cooperate, I would hold the bowl of liquid food in one hand, and the spoon in the other, with tissue ready nearby while sis ready her hands on the BiPap and the buckle. We had to count down, 3, 2, 1, dad would ready himself, sis would unbuckle the BiPap mask, remove it but not too far away from his face, and I would quickly spoon the liquid food into his mouth and then sis would quickly reposition the mask back onto dad's face. And of course with the strong wind gushing through the mask of the BiPap, more often than not, caused a mess around dad's mouth. So we would have to count down, 3, 2, 1 again and sis would remove the mask and I would quickly wipe dads mouth with the tissue. Then this process was repeated. It was the same for drinking, it was the same for applying lip balm (his lips got very chapped, I'm sure you can imagine why), and eating became such a difficult task! Eating, food, things he thoroughly enjoyed.. we thoroughly enjoyed together. Going back to the point, so after feeding him, it was time for me to eat. So I opened the take-away packets and I saw the Cantonese Fried Koay Teow, a dish which only a month ago, at the time, I shared with my dad in the restaurant. He and I visited VRD many times after his hospital chemo visits before heading home. And he loved the dish. And tears just starting welling up in my eyes and I couldn't stop. I left the CCU room immediately and rushed to the toilet and I couldn't stop crying. "Just only a month ago... How did everything deteriorate so quickly?!" I thought to myself, though I always knew that the end was imminent. And it made me extremely upset as I knew that those times would be but memories from then on.

Okay. That's all I can do for today.

M
now, why have YOU gone away?...when you're dreaming with a broken heart, giving up is the hardest part. 

Animal love

It's amazing how dogs are emotional creatures, how they seemingly understand and know human emotions - when a person is sad or joyful. And they're sympathetic too. They are even able to express their moods - I believe so, anyway.  

I didn't know why but Baby had been rather distant the past few days. But on the day I was really down and in bed, she came and sat by my side all afternoon, as if, she wanted to keep me company and give me a morale boost. I decided to bring her for a jungle walk in the same evening and boy, was she delighted. And later on, after the jungle walk, she was all jumpy, cheery and just wouldn't leave my side, as if she was saying "thank you! thank you! I really enjoyed the time". Even in the next few days, she was much more attached and alive. Dogs really do sense and appreciate an owner's love. 

I love you, Baby. 7 years and counting :) 

M

it seems you've grown tired of the one you once desired. but i've wanted none but you. 

A grief observed

Who writes more wonderfully?

It is often thought that the dead see us. And we assume, whether reasonably or not, that if they see us at all they see us more clearly than before. Does H. now see exactly how much froth or tinsel there was in what she called, and I call, my love. So be it. Look your hardest, dear. I wouldn't hide if I could. We didn't idealize each other. We tried to keep no secrets. You knew most of the rotten places in me already. If you now see anything worse, I can take it. So can you. Rebuke, explain, mock, forgive. For this is one of the miracles of love; it gives- to both, but perhaps especially to the woman - a power of seeing through its own enchantments and yet not being disenchanted. 

C.S Lewis

Have hope, love will be found. 

10.42am

Oh how slow time passes. 

It's a uncomfortable feeling - you fidget, sigh, toss and turn, tense up,relax and tense up again and wait... you shut your eyes hoping with all your heart that when you see the light again, more time would have passed. After all, time supposedly heals.. right? So why won't more time pass so you can reveal any remaining delights inside?!

And sleep, oh precious sleep.. you crave for more of it, for when you slumber, you have no control over thoughts and emotions, you're numb to the world and for a while, it allows more time to be burnt - more healing time. So you try and try.. You try for more sleep. You wish that the Sandman would pay you a visit, this one time, and that he'd be understanding and generous and sprinkle plenty sleeping dust. 

Alas... no one comes to the rescue. You resort to counting sheep. Sheep jumping over fences with arched backs, Sheep leaping from cliff to cliff, Sheep bouncing, Sheep rolling, Sheep doing backflips whilst jumping the fences and Sheep taking big leaps over hedges............ Sleep.

Sleep... Sleep... Sleep...

After some time, you jerk and open those tired eyes. You're happy for a moment because you know you succeeded! You got sleep! Which meant time wasted. 

So you check the time, and it shows

11.05am

Broken hearts, broken lives, he will take them all... 

Won't you mend this shattered heart
Won't you reverse time and mend this broken family
Won't you mend this insecure soul and restore confidence
Won't you mend this life and stream endless lasting love in

Is every tear not precious?
Is it?? Why then have lakes of it flow?

M

ordinary people

Never have I been like this, so ready to hold on regardless...

I feel like the evil queen in Mirror Mirror, desperate and ready to resort to magic, even if there are bad consequences to face as a result, as long as I get this one thing I know I really want. But I guess in this, I have no say, no more. Even pixie dust can't bring a change of heart now.. 

I wish a bit of mimzy-dust could've made the difference.. 

..could have made it better..