remote control

I wonder...

I wonder what it will be like when I leave... Will they make the effort? Will they care enough? Will they fill the gaps?

I'm so torn between leaving and staying. Though its months from now, I can't help but worry and fret about What-Ifs. Yes, I've been told I think about A to Zs, high to lows, far lefts to rights. And I just admitted recently that its detrimental to myself. But, I can't bear to see G hurt and lonely. I think I know a fraction of what that feels like, its dreadful and I dare not think of that awful emotion haunting G. I can't stay here eternally or come to the rescue forever, but I can't stop feeling guilty and irresponsible for running away. I wish I had the remote in Click where I can just fast forward time just to have a sneak peek - to have the relief that things are going to be ok. But what if I found out that things were not ok?

Say,
what if I had that remote (before dad got ill) and for some reason (Gosh, some reason?! Who am I kidding, I have plenty reasons I might misuse that remote for - finding out if I ever get married, to whom, any kids, living where, working where, as what, oh.. graduation feels like forever away. Feels like I'll never get there) I decided to fast forward time (with the intention of rewinding again), only to find that my father was no longer in the pictures... What would I have felt? What would I have done? Could I have played God, then?

Okay, I'm just ranting on about a basket-full of nonsense now. I guess... I'm just upset.

M
was promised a forever


No such thing exists - no remote, no forever.