f.a.m.(i.l.y)

A mental video of dad on his death bed just popped into my head. It still brings plenty tears to my eyes. I suppose I can't expect myself not to, it has after all, only been slightly more than a month. In the mental video, I see dad with his BiPap (Bilevel Positive Airway Pressure), which covered half his face, on, singing hymns along with the rest of the people standing around him, with all his heart. My father, in his last few hours, whose oxygen saturation, I saw with my own eyes, plummeted to the 40s (the normal range is 95-100%) with the slightest decrease of oxygen supply or physical work, sang!

Gosh! Has it really been only slightly more than a month?! It feels like I have been living this bad bad dream forever. Again, it's hitting me hard in the head that only so little time has passed when I feel like I've been held alive for a very very long time. Yes, I said 'held' - so often I feel like I'm on autopilot and the movements and actions of my body are in fact, not mine, and I am merely a puppet on strings.

My father the Fighter
"He's the first patient I've ever seen on so much oxygen"

For dad, breathing was laborious. A few times recently, without realising while blowing-dry my hair, I positioned the hair dryer blowing directly in my face. And in those few seconds, breathing suddenly becomes very difficult and I feel an extremely heavy feeling pressing on my chest as the strong flow of wind enters my nose and mouth - then I think, this must haven been how dad felt, only ten times worse since he was already struggling for breath to begin with, whenever the BiPap was being fitted on to his face with the oxygen and air flow at full blast. When the BiPap was initially introduced to us, a number of times, dad had a panic attack, as he felt like he was being suffocated, during the fitting of the BiPap onto his face. Then I would have a panic attack as I watch his O2 sat plummeting and heart rate racing upwards. Only a few fittings later, did we learn how to titrate the O2 up gradually to minimise the distress. But if in those few seconds, I felt it so unbearable, with strong gushes of air being pushed into my lungs, how terrible must it have been for dad, having to keep it on 24/7 towards the end?!

His breathing was laborious... But he still sang out his love for God. Could I ever be alike?

Another memory just appeared in my mind - when brother bought food from VillageRoastDuck, Bangsar for us to eat. I had just finished feeding dad with sis at that time. Towards the end, feeding him was an extremely upsetting experience - sis and I would have to both cooperate, I would hold the bowl of liquid food in one hand, and the spoon in the other, with tissue ready nearby while sis ready her hands on the BiPap and the buckle. We had to count down, 3, 2, 1, dad would ready himself, sis would unbuckle the BiPap mask, remove it but not too far away from his face, and I would quickly spoon the liquid food into his mouth and then sis would quickly reposition the mask back onto dad's face. And of course with the strong wind gushing through the mask of the BiPap, more often than not, caused a mess around dad's mouth. So we would have to count down, 3, 2, 1 again and sis would remove the mask and I would quickly wipe dads mouth with the tissue. Then this process was repeated. It was the same for drinking, it was the same for applying lip balm (his lips got very chapped, I'm sure you can imagine why), and eating became such a difficult task! Eating, food, things he thoroughly enjoyed.. we thoroughly enjoyed together. Going back to the point, so after feeding him, it was time for me to eat. So I opened the take-away packets and I saw the Cantonese Fried Koay Teow, a dish which only a month ago, at the time, I shared with my dad in the restaurant. He and I visited VRD many times after his hospital chemo visits before heading home. And he loved the dish. And tears just starting welling up in my eyes and I couldn't stop. I left the CCU room immediately and rushed to the toilet and I couldn't stop crying. "Just only a month ago... How did everything deteriorate so quickly?!" I thought to myself, though I always knew that the end was imminent. And it made me extremely upset as I knew that those times would be but memories from then on.

Okay. That's all I can do for today.

M
now, why have YOU gone away?...when you're dreaming with a broken heart, giving up is the hardest part.