immaturity

I had a lovely day being a judge for the BB junior pancake cooking competition. During the judging period, it dawned upon me how much I've learned through merely 3 sessions of part-time work being a therapist for a child with autism - interaction with children (whether or not they have autism), psychology of children and people in general. Then I thought, these are things you only learn through experience and age and that is why older people are so wise. Then I thought of how much I must not know! (I normally do not think I know all that much but today I realised again, how much more I had to learn and these only will come with time).

Every time we judges tried their food, the children would look up at us intently and nervously with faces seeking approval, even if it was for the smallest gesture - a mini smile, a look of satisfaction on our faces, a "yum" etc. One incident which really tickled my heart was when the little girl looked at me with the look I had just described, I said "Well done!" and she sighed whole-heartedly in relief. And it didn't matter if we had just tasted raw batter, or if the pancake was hard and dry.. What mattered was that they put their entire heart and soul into the cooking session (Even if the pancake didn't taste fantastic, the ideas they came up with (ingredients, decor, menu description) were plenty creative and deserved good praises) and the smallest look of approval was going to encourage them to participate again and eventually become truly good at it. I'm not saying we should lie to them and conceal the truth. What I'm saying is, positive words and encouragement, especially highlighting good points, plays such an important role in supporting them. 

Children are very attentive and even though we think they aren't listening or paying any notice, more often than not, they listen very closely, they just do not give you a clue about it! They absorb things and learn so quickly just by observing - I think of young brains like sponges soaking up water. I've learned to be more careful about what I say in front of little kiddos, especially if it concerns the kids bad points. And again, this I only learned with age. 

Still, how much do I not know? 

I think about things in the past and have many regrets but how could I have done it differently when I did not know better? 

M 

We're only growing up, every day. We're immature, every day. 

remote control

I wonder...

I wonder what it will be like when I leave... Will they make the effort? Will they care enough? Will they fill the gaps?

I'm so torn between leaving and staying. Though its months from now, I can't help but worry and fret about What-Ifs. Yes, I've been told I think about A to Zs, high to lows, far lefts to rights. And I just admitted recently that its detrimental to myself. But, I can't bear to see G hurt and lonely. I think I know a fraction of what that feels like, its dreadful and I dare not think of that awful emotion haunting G. I can't stay here eternally or come to the rescue forever, but I can't stop feeling guilty and irresponsible for running away. I wish I had the remote in Click where I can just fast forward time just to have a sneak peek - to have the relief that things are going to be ok. But what if I found out that things were not ok?

Say,
what if I had that remote (before dad got ill) and for some reason (Gosh, some reason?! Who am I kidding, I have plenty reasons I might misuse that remote for - finding out if I ever get married, to whom, any kids, living where, working where, as what, oh.. graduation feels like forever away. Feels like I'll never get there) I decided to fast forward time (with the intention of rewinding again), only to find that my father was no longer in the pictures... What would I have felt? What would I have done? Could I have played God, then?

Okay, I'm just ranting on about a basket-full of nonsense now. I guess... I'm just upset.

M
was promised a forever


No such thing exists - no remote, no forever.

reading minds

i wish i could read a dog's mind.

little silky terrier here comes upstairs, knocks on my door (yes, she knocks, not scratches.. unusual dog), i let her in, she walks about the room, sits down and relaxes for about 2 mins max then heads to the door and starts staring at it, hinting at me to open it. i ignore her "request" and act like i didn't see it, hoping she'd decide to stay put. she knows im pretending to not know, so she starts knocking the door to signal me to open the door. i ignore her again. but the knocking gradually gets louder.

"BABY!!"

i open the door and i let her out.

3 minutes later, i kid you not, i hear her nails tapping on the wood panels on the ground, walking towards my room and she knocks on the door.. AGAIN. and the process continues 3 to 4 times.

what is going on in that mind of hers?!

M